Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Baby Stomach Flu In Three Acts

Act One: (The family is sleeping on the living room floor.  After four rounds of vomiting, the baby is sleeping on a pile of towels.  It's some time around 3 am.)

Carol:  Hey...  get up... 
Me:  Wha?  Huh?  Is he throwing up again?
Carol:  No.  But you should get up and go to bed.
Me:  Wha?  Why?
Carol:  You might as well.  Go sleep on the comfortable mattress.  Get a good night's sleep.
Me:  Wha?  Um.  But I *was* getting a good night's sleep until you woke me up.
Carol:  Oh.  Right.  Um.  Can I go to bed then?  Cuz you're snoring and I could really use the rest.

End of Act One.

Act Two:  (song sung to the baby during bathtime after a violent blowout.  The baby's been having diarrhea about every two hours for two days now.  It's about 7 pm.  Oh, it's sung to the tune of "I Think I Love You" by the Partridge Family.)

       I think I love you,
       But stop splashing your shit-water on me,
       Because I don't want to get hepatitis B,
       Or pinkeye, like we saw in that movie.

End of Act Two.

Act Three: (Some time about 4 weeks from now.  In the living room.  It'll probably be about 7:30.)

Carol:  What's that smell?
Me: I dunno.  I got a whiff of it earlier, but couldn't place it.
Carol:  It's worse close to the couch...   Oh dear god...  What the hell is that?  How the hell did we forget that in there?  Get a bag! Get a bag! Quick!


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