They called you what?

I may still be a little hopped up on painkillers due to the eviction of that little cherub in the previous post, but how's about a little giveaway?

In this post's 'comments' section, post your first name and any nickname that might have been thrown at you at some point during your life. The winner will be picked at random and the drawing will be videotaped and posted on Wednesday, July 2nd.

Wanna know what you get? One winner will get the ENTIRE Summer 2008 Collection before it's even listed on the website! Talk about exclusive...



Here's a sample of some of the cards that come in this 16-card package:

Things just got a little bit crazier in the JunkMail house...

Bird Flu Tried To Help Me Out, But Failed...

I've always kind of subscribed to the theories of a man named Thomas Malthus.  In a nutshell, Malthus believed that overpopulation was the cause of all the terrible things in the world, which would in turn stem overpopulation.  Too many people, let's have a war, get rid of some people.  Too many people, oops there's a famine, get rid of some people.

That might be oversimplified.  With some paraphrasing.  I might have missed some important parts.  Or lost a bit in translation.  But it's the way I like it.

Those big events that wipe out populations are known as "Malthusian Crises".  There.  You've just received the Reader's Digest version of 2nd year economics.

I'm convinced that we're due.  Not that I'm all "sandals and a sandwich-board" and predicting the end of the world.  It's just that I've met at least three people this week who could use a good plague.  And thinking back, I think I'd met two the week before.

That's an alarming trend.  I might be encountering 11 jackasses a week by the end of the summer.

Where is the pestilence that will come to my rescue?  Antibiotic-resistant superbug?  Where have all the killer bees gone?

And there was that one time when we had too many zucchini...

Recently we've had a few customers who've been awfully close to home.  The area we live in is somewhat rural, so it's actually kind of a coincidence.

One person who contacted us actually grew up just one street over from us.  Literally one house separates our properties.

And this one house is occupied by a retired couple who have been wonderful neighbors to us.  They visited when the kid was born, bringing chocolates and presents and some much needed reassurance and advice.  They're active in the community; canvassing for the Cancer Society and taking part in other grassroot environmental movements.  They take better care of their property than I do, and they don't have a dog that craps on my lawn, which are ultimately the two most important things to look for in a neighbor.

Now, I was raised to always respect elders.  In this case that means I always called my neighbors "Mr. and Mrs. X".  I didn't know their first names.  Kind of like your elementary school teachers.  As far as you knew, they didn't even have first names.  Which is sometimes being ruined these days by the new breed of teachers who insist on being called "Miss Suzie".

But I digress.

This recent customer contacted Carol and after finding out how close we lived, recounted tales of when "Dick and Tiny" would throw crabapples at them when they trespassed on their beach.  Carol thought this was hilarious and asked if I knew that Mr. and Mrs. X's  first names were "Dick and Tiny".

I didn't.  And I'm still not sure if they are.  For all we know, that was just what the neighbourhood kids called them.  For all we know, the neighborhood kids could call us "Assface and that Crazy Bitch".

After all, we throw tomatoes at the trespassers on our beach.