A lovely day for an artisan fair

We Won't Even Talk About The Dishes...

Carol's wearing a black cardigan and jeans.  It's 85 out, and we're about to go for a walk.

 

"Hey, um, you might be a bit warm in all that."

 

"Yeah, well, these are the only clean clothes I have, and *they're* not even clean."

And in that one sentence is captured the idiosyncrasy which has become our lives.  Even our clean clothes aren't clean.

Carol has been buuuuusy. The dual prongs of the latest collection (including Christmas!) being delivered and our upcoming attendance at the Niagara Grape and Wine Festival have kept her hopping. Not to mention that whole "parenting" thing.

But the late nights are paying off.  We're almost all packed up for the Festival ( www.niagaragrapeandwinefestival.com - come see us!) and the Christmas cards are all listed (http://www.junkmailgreetings.com/cardholidaypackage.htm).  

Check 'em out.  They're purty.  And clean.  Even if we're not.

Peep this

Here's your taste of our new products slated for release mid-September:

Crazy mutha...

Shauna Sands' idea of a day at the beach with the fam:

Really?

I mean, really?

I guess you do what ya gotta do when your last film credit was as 'jacuzzi woman' in a movie called Succubus: Hell Bent.

can I get an 'amen'....

Go here and see the complete card lineup offered by JunkMail Greetings. I finally finished the 'shop' page and updated all of our new titles. I did it. It ain't pretty. It ain't all that organized. But it's done, y'all.

And the free shipping is still rockin' the heezy.

By the end of September, we'll be adding our Christmas lineup. Lee and I narrowed down our selection and the designs are looking amazing. I can assure you, you won't be disappointed when you see the final products....

There will also be an addition to the JunkMail family: [defined]. [defined] is the softer side of JMG and will be added to the 'shop' page in mid-September.

And I Thought It Was Called A *Pacifier*...

Yeah, we're traipsing back down a road already travelled.

And you hear advice from all sides.  "Oh, you're bringing the kid to bed with you?  You've got to put a stop to that."  And then I look in the magazines and catalogues showing all kinds of "co-sleeping" paraphernalia and I figure I can't be the only one.  There can't be an entire industry revolving around the hope that I'm going to slip up again.

It might seem short-sighted, but honestly, at 3 am, I'm really not very forward-thinking.  All I really know is that if he's left alone he'll probably groan and whimper and make me get up at least five or six times, over half an hour, before he  finally falls asleep.  In bed, he cuddles up and I can usually get him down in five minutes.

So, last night the kid is sleeping with us ( The point of the whole previous diatribe is to let you know that I'm aware that you're frowning now, but I don't care.)   but he's not actually asleep yet.  I hear the familiar clink of the soother falling and then the snorting as he starts to root around for it.  In the dark, I feel around for it, then feel around for a face, then feel around for a mouth, then try to give back the soother. 

There's a bit of resistance. 

And then Carol says, "If you try to jam that thing in my face again, I'm going to punch you in the head."

She's not much of a morning person, but she's *really* not much of a 3-in-the-morning person.

Promises, promises...

Life's been pretty hectic in the Lee household as of late. The little one is a beautiful ball of colicky goodness, the big one insists on traipsing into our bedroom at about 5:15 every morning armed with a *giant* body pillow and feather duvet demanding, "TV! TV!"





Such delightfully good times.

~~~~~

With that said, yes, the website is a bit behind in updates. I have so many new cards to list. Like this one:

....and these:

And a bunch more, but I haven't the time or patience (with Blogger) to upload them all. I promise they'll be up in a few days.

In other news, my new studio is getting a new floor (yay) and we picked up more storage shelves to house the now obscene amount of product and supplies taking up my old space. I'll be sad to see my old space go because it's got a beautiful view overlooking our lake (you may hate me now...), but the new one has a BILLION times more space and potential --- even if it is a bit dungeon-y.

Your task for the day: go read up on my old-hometown mayor's highjinks. Sad and funny at the same time.

Had my 6-week post-partum doctor's visit yesterday and the conversation went something like this:

Doc: "You're all set. Any questions? Everything going okay?"

Me: "Well, actually, the baby weight is harder to come off this second time. Got any black market Phen Phen or a script for something equally as dangerous and effective? I just don't feel like doing the hard work to get my bad-ass booty back. I got two kids under two right now! My heart's in good shape, I'm sure it'll be fine."

Doc: (big sigh) "I'll write you a prescription for some willpower and exercise."


***


Lotta, I can't thank you enough for this:

Overheard

Lee: Awww, Jack, you've got mosquito bites on your face! What happened? Mommy?

Carol: Don't look at me. I don't take these kids outdoors. It's too hot.

Lee: Oh, that's right. You're trying to grow albino mushroom children.

You can thank Lee for this post

Lee's been buggin' me to get in here and announce a winner. I'd love to post something ridiculously witty and inspiring, but it's 11:00 p.m. in a household with TWO kids that refuse to sleep through the night... so I'm too tired to entertain. But don't worry, I'm only a couple cups of coffee away from being the funniest thing on two legs-like usual.

Instead of my trusty video camera capturing the moment I select a winner, I chose the Randomizer random number generator. This'll just have to do for now.

The lucky winner of our new Summer Pack is

Lisa Christine!

Thanks so much to everyone (with the patience of a monk) who kept checking to see if a winner was announced, but never bugged me and asked about it directly. You rock.

We're dusting off the cobwebs of the website and will be making a few changes during the next few weeks. Keep checking the main site for updates, new products and sales...

They called you what?

I may still be a little hopped up on painkillers due to the eviction of that little cherub in the previous post, but how's about a little giveaway?

In this post's 'comments' section, post your first name and any nickname that might have been thrown at you at some point during your life. The winner will be picked at random and the drawing will be videotaped and posted on Wednesday, July 2nd.

Wanna know what you get? One winner will get the ENTIRE Summer 2008 Collection before it's even listed on the website! Talk about exclusive...



Here's a sample of some of the cards that come in this 16-card package:

Things just got a little bit crazier in the JunkMail house...

Bird Flu Tried To Help Me Out, But Failed...

I've always kind of subscribed to the theories of a man named Thomas Malthus.  In a nutshell, Malthus believed that overpopulation was the cause of all the terrible things in the world, which would in turn stem overpopulation.  Too many people, let's have a war, get rid of some people.  Too many people, oops there's a famine, get rid of some people.

That might be oversimplified.  With some paraphrasing.  I might have missed some important parts.  Or lost a bit in translation.  But it's the way I like it.

Those big events that wipe out populations are known as "Malthusian Crises".  There.  You've just received the Reader's Digest version of 2nd year economics.

I'm convinced that we're due.  Not that I'm all "sandals and a sandwich-board" and predicting the end of the world.  It's just that I've met at least three people this week who could use a good plague.  And thinking back, I think I'd met two the week before.

That's an alarming trend.  I might be encountering 11 jackasses a week by the end of the summer.

Where is the pestilence that will come to my rescue?  Antibiotic-resistant superbug?  Where have all the killer bees gone?

And there was that one time when we had too many zucchini...

Recently we've had a few customers who've been awfully close to home.  The area we live in is somewhat rural, so it's actually kind of a coincidence.

One person who contacted us actually grew up just one street over from us.  Literally one house separates our properties.

And this one house is occupied by a retired couple who have been wonderful neighbors to us.  They visited when the kid was born, bringing chocolates and presents and some much needed reassurance and advice.  They're active in the community; canvassing for the Cancer Society and taking part in other grassroot environmental movements.  They take better care of their property than I do, and they don't have a dog that craps on my lawn, which are ultimately the two most important things to look for in a neighbor.

Now, I was raised to always respect elders.  In this case that means I always called my neighbors "Mr. and Mrs. X".  I didn't know their first names.  Kind of like your elementary school teachers.  As far as you knew, they didn't even have first names.  Which is sometimes being ruined these days by the new breed of teachers who insist on being called "Miss Suzie".

But I digress.

This recent customer contacted Carol and after finding out how close we lived, recounted tales of when "Dick and Tiny" would throw crabapples at them when they trespassed on their beach.  Carol thought this was hilarious and asked if I knew that Mr. and Mrs. X's  first names were "Dick and Tiny".

I didn't.  And I'm still not sure if they are.  For all we know, that was just what the neighbourhood kids called them.  For all we know, the neighborhood kids could call us "Assface and that Crazy Bitch".

After all, we throw tomatoes at the trespassers on our beach.

At least the kid's got manners

I think Lee thinks I’m spending too much time at drive-through establishments. The kid’s speech has been getting more and more diverse and this has turned into a typical conversation:


Me: Jack, would you like more strawberries? What do you say?

Jack: Peeeeeze

Me: Here you go. (handing him strawberries)

Jack: Kack-oooo (translation: ‘thank-you’---which, interestingly enough, is the same word for cracker. At least when he starts throwing racial slurs I can just say, 'No, no... he really said, 'thank you'.)

Me: You’re welcome.

Jack: Habaniceday! Bye-bye! (waving vigorously)


Apparently, all that’s missing is the enthusiastic ‘Come again!’ at the end.

We’ve been working pretty hard on drilling basic songs into his head, as well. The kid can now sing ‘Twinkle-Twinkle’, and the ‘ABC’s’(well, up to about the letter J, after that, he only goes with every third letter’). His appreciation for fine musical arrangements has also extended to this:




Around 10:00 am every day, he comes running into my office yelling, ‘lowlowlowlowlowlow’ and pointing to my laptop.

I’m concerned. I guess it’s time to start censoring… But first, I'm working on teaching him how to act out the part where they say '...turned around and gave that big booty a smack.'

Wouldn't that just be precious?

In other, non-child-related news, I’ve been working on a long post about our trip to the National Stationery Show in NYC. I’m hoping to squeeze a little free time later this evening and get everyone updated.

Also, be sure to check the main site tomorrow morning. I've designed a brand-new bunch of cards just in time for Summer.

Habaniceday!!! Bye-bye!

If Only She'd Told The Cop She Was In Labor...

New York is a rather awe-inspiring city and sometimes it amazes me how different ways of life evolve in different places in the world.

For example, the pre-emptive honk was something that I've only ever encountered in New York and always struck me as terribly efficient.  The cabbies don't wait to find out if you're gonna be asleep on the green.  They honk *before* the light turns green, just to make sure you're alert enough to go on the green when it comes.

I love that.

We were awfully lucky that a similar phenomenon doesn't take place on the sidewalks.  Carol has four weeks to go before the kid gets a brother, and walking posed a bit of a challenge.  And I'm not sure if you've met many women with four weeks to go, but I think if anyone were to honk at her, they would probably end up dead.  Or with urine on their shoes.  Either or.

I now know what "ambling" is.

But pregnancy didn't make the whole trip slow.  Don't ask Carol about the $163 ticket she got in Pennsylvania.

Petsmart for Potty Training

Carol's been telling me about something called "elimination communication".  Basically, it's when you take the diaper off the kid, let him run around naked, and watch for the times he goes to the bathroom.  It's supposed to help with potty training.

I'm not sure if "communication" is necessarily the right word.

It seems kind of messy, so I'm trying to convince her to wait until summer when we can put him outside.  Pee freely, nekkid nature boy, pee freely.

I already have an area all set for him.  I killed the patch of grass last year and have the seed put down, so the lawn will be fresh and new and pristine.  I figure my neighbor's dog always goes for my nicest area, so outdoor poopers must have a thing for good turf.

As I was laying down the new seed, I thought maybe it would be nice if I put up a little fence to keep him safe.  Then the bigger picture flashed before me, and I realized that a naked 2 year old crapping in a fenced-in pen might draw some unwanted attention and social worker visits.

Accordingly, that corkscrew anchor thingie with a leash would probably be out of the question too.

My Skin'll Already Be Wrinkly, And I'll Probably Already Stink.

I first started really smoking when I was 15. Sure there was that time I was 7, but I don't think it counts unless you're buying your own.

But by 15, I was nicely settled into my routine and probably up to a pretty consistent half-pack a day. I never really strayed from that half-pack limit; it's about one an hour, except work times, and it's always kind of worked out for me.

"They" always say that you'll quit when you need to. Or when you have the proper motivation. For me, it was the kid. It got to the point where I couldn't possibly feel more ghetto than putting the baby in front of the TV so that I could sneak out for a smoke. So I quit. Used the patch. Worked like a charm.

I still miss it like crazy though. Especially on a day like today. Stressful work, beautiful weather, 20 minute uninterrupted drive home. But I know I shouldn't go back.

So I made a deal with Carol. On my 75th birthday, I'm buying a carton and having the time of my life. Get me an extra large from Dunkin' Donuts and an ashtray and stand back.

Carol says if that's the case, then she's gonna buy herself pounds of Ghirardelli and join in on the festivities.

Oh, it's going to be sweeeeeeet.



JunkMailGreetings.com

New-ish

We have several greeting cards that have been in dire need of a facelift. Since I've been feeling inspired as of late, I got my ass in gear and set to redesigning. The trend seems to be following stripes and damask these days (this also happens to be a favorite combination of mine):

We're also gearing up for the National Stationery Show in May. Unfortunately, we won't be exhibiting (insert hysterical sobbing here). We made this decision based on the fact that I'll be about 9-months-pregnant when the show comes. I'm not sure if the world is ready for this scenario:

Me: Hi! Welcome to my fantastically designed booth. Can I show you some of my work?

Them: Ummm, no, thank you. I'm just looking.

Me: What? You *don't want* to see my stationery line? (the tears start to flow right about now) What the hell is wrong with you? I worked hard to get here! I'm tired, huge, and I neeeeeed you to tell me I'm pretty, dammit. (and now the anger) Look. At. My. Line. Before. I. Kill. You.

It's probably for the best.

And the winners are...

Shell from Kathleen, GA

and

Julie from Washington, PA

Shoot an e-mail my way with your address and I'll get them sent out pronto

(carol -at- junkmailgreetings -dot- com)

Thanks so much to everyone else who entered. We'll be having contests monthly, so keep checking!